For want of a better title: Culpa

For want of a better title

Tall and Tan and oh so Sexy, the boy *not* from Ipanema goes walking by...

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Culpa

I originally wanted to post a mushy post with some artsy fartsy po mo kind of theme. But something happened tonight while I was with the woman I love... (in other words ed is taking over)

I think we hit our first snag. i guess i just wasn't thinking straight... and now I think she doubts we'll survive for too long. I really believe we can last. It takes time and adjustment... But I guess the doubting has begun and it really saddens me... It saddens me because there's doubt in everything we do... We second guess ourselves and allow cynicism into our lives...

This really isn't just about me and her... this is about my life. I read what she had to say to me, but she just didn't say it to me in person. I just want her to know that I love her with all that I've got. I love her to the best of my abilities. And I know that I fall short. I'm not that complex but I'm not simple either. We learn to adjust to one another, afterall we're not perfect.

I've realised that I have always had the utmost confidence in myself. Except when it comes to women. Then I keep second guessing myself and slipping up along the way. Like tonight... and today I suppose. Here's my reason why...

When you meet a woman who completely fills you up. Who covers the areas where you're weak and furnishes your soul with delight. How can you not doubt and worry that some better man will come take her away?A woman whose very sight causes your heart to leap for joy; who makes you feel like the luckiest man around. How can you not doubt yourself. Maybe deep down I am scared as hell of her leaving me... maybe that's why i'm not thinking straight... Maybe I'm imagining things...

Emotions are so complicated and they get more complicated when you fall so madly and deeply in love with someone. I wake up smelling her even when she isn't around. I simply adore this woman...

I feel that I made a mistake. I didn't quite put it right. And now the relationship has to readjust to the new reality that she no longer trusts the idea that we can survive a long distance relationship. It hurts quite deep, but I know this is my fault and I must start building the trust up.

I'll be honest and I say i really want this relationship to work out. I want this to be the last one. This woman is so wonderful... So absolutely amazing. Almost unearthly. She's the first woman who I can honestly say that I want to be with for the rest of my life. I know she hates to hear this but to me she is perfect, and I really do adore her and love her. She doesn't think people can be in love after such a short time. But like the first time I ate chocolates, i fell in love with them. So too when i first held her hand in mine, I fell in love.

Maybe I don't truly know what love is. What agape, eros or any other kind of love is. But I know this feeling of fulfilment, of completion. I also know the passion and obssession that attends to such love.

So forgive me my inequities my most dearest, and believe that I truly want this relationship to work. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.