For want of a better title: Onions and Me

For want of a better title

Tall and Tan and oh so Sexy, the boy *not* from Ipanema goes walking by...

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Onions and Me

I'm sad. Why? I won't really say, but allow me to carry on... (ed: hmmmm...)

I've come to realise that no one quite knows who I am. Everyone wears masks and what not, and yes we've all heard the cliche. Yet there is a holistic me. A whole me. It's just that people refuse or do not see the whole me. We always choose to see in a person what we want. It's not that a person presents merely one facet of him/her self, but rather we pick and choose the parts we want to see. From this blog people will assume I am schizo, yet on my other blog (whose name will not be revealed) you would think I was a bleeding leftist. Too often people look at me and see only a son, my father's son, a smart student, a witty conversationalist, a quiet boy, a rich man's son, an arrogant bastard, a poor man's son, an obedient child, a thinker, a socialist, a brother, a wise friend, a silly friend, someone to sponge off, an ex-boyfriend, a lazy person, and any other face they want to see. Not even my parents really see the whole me.

I am judged in so many ways simply by the clothes I wear, the car I drive, the friends I hang out with, my parents, what I say, the way I act. I walked into Gucci today with my first love and no one paid attention to me because I was in shorts, t-shirt and a baseball cap. My friend's mum doesn't bother talking to me, because she's a social climber and she doesn't know who my parents are. Waiters treat me well because I have a non-singaporean accent. Some people think I'm a poser because I have a non-singaporean accent. Even people who've had longer conversations with me have come to judgement quickly. I have seldom judged someone quickly It usually takes a long while to form a concrete opinion of someone. I am weary of how people assume I must be a certain kind of person just because.

If you think I'm sad because of this, I am not. I am sad over an entirely different reason. Ever feel like quitting? A very good friend once said I was the kind of person who would throw everything into something I loved, but I could also throw everything away, give up and just walk away. I think I've sort of reached that point in my life. I'm ready to just throw my hands in the air and walk away from it all. Sick and tired of it all. It's all fake, all artificial, all unreal. What am I talking about? I'm talking about eros love (see earlier post you lazy f**ks). The silly games we play. The silly angles. The silly tricks. The silly moves. I'm quite ready to quit. Is it really worth my time? Should I even bother? Another good friend warned me that local women are materialistic and I agree. But which woman isn't? In the final picture it is about security to ensure the survival of offspring. Love? We make it up to justify security.

Now I am free and without pressures of adulthood. When the responsibility of being a grown up catches up will i even have the time to partake in the masquerade? Will I have the energy to care about the silly games? Will I even want to dance that never ending tango? Because it doesn't end until the day you draw your last breath. On and on we go. Will I be able to handle it all?

Then again, can i spend an entire lifetime alone? Can I override my natural inclination to perpetuate the species? Who will be my foil? Who will I confide in? Can I truly be alone?

A wise man once told me that we cannot plan for all things and some of the most important things in life just happen. Indeed. But right at this point I really feel like throwing my hands up and quitting on life. (No i won't kill myself, that's just silly) Is life really that dismal and bleak?

(ed: but aren't there also the good times? remember all the times when you enjoyed the sun on your back, working on the lot. remember the joy that filled your heart when you recieved compliments. remember the first touch of lovers. remember those quiet moments when shit is just happening all around you. remember those sunsets. remember little babies. remember those tears when a love affair ended. remember the warmth of human relations.)

There really is no conclusion to this. (ed: rightly so. Life is a book that has been written, is being written and will be written) But maybe someday my Zen moment will come. When all things become clear. Or perhaps they are clear, I just refuse to see it. Who knows...

9 Comments:

  • At 7/02/2005 3:42 PM, Blogger FF said…

    Uh oh. I called you schizo. I said you shouldn't have a slang.

    I funked your blue. Or blued your funk.

    :(

     
  • At 7/02/2005 10:22 PM, Blogger Postmaster-General said…

    You're not the first and you won't be the last. =P

     
  • At 7/03/2005 4:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Stop speaking with the silly accent then.

     
  • At 7/03/2005 6:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yeah, what's with the stupid accent? That's just dumb. If you are secure enough, you won't have to put up a front, dick.

     
  • At 7/03/2005 6:10 AM, Blogger Postmaster-General said…

    i try with my parents. it's not me. i realised my singaporean accent is now fake.

    obviously some people don't read too well.

     
  • At 7/03/2005 6:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Stop lying

     
  • At 7/03/2005 10:19 AM, Blogger Barffie said…

    What's with the lousy comments? I haven't seen any offending remarks in this post so far.

    Let them judge, you know who you are, right?

    I know who I am and that I have what I want, but I still would like to be slimmer, prettier, smarter. So...

    I am sorry for blabbering. Haha.

     
  • At 7/03/2005 11:41 AM, Blogger Postmaster-General said…

    there'll always be haters. =) I don't really mind.

     
  • At 7/06/2005 6:19 PM, Anonymous Callie said…

    Well, the thing about Singapore is that no matter how you are, people will still critisize! And I definitely agree with the better service from waiter/tress because of the non-singaporean accent! Haha!

     

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